by Kenny MacKay (excerpt)
INT. DALZIEL HOUSE - EVENING
A large, posh suburban home. The ground floor is open plan with the lobby, kitchen, living room and dining room connected.
In the kitchen looking out some plates is REBECCA (45), still with her hair and makeup done, but dressed into her relaxing wear.
Behind her the front door opens and enters ALLY (46), wearing a cheap suit and overcoat, carrying a blue polyethylene bag.
ALLY
Oh Sweet Pea, I’m home!
REBECCA
Late.
ALLY
Usual teachers' meeting. Lot of talking, lot of nodding, though Ms Gibson was wearing her short skirt.
Ally has come through to the kitchen and dropped the bag next to Rebecca. She takes out the metallic tubs and empties the contents onto the plates.
REBECCA
Why don’t you ask her out? I’m sure she loves mid life crises.
Ally heads back down the hall to the door, taking off his overcoat and heads upstairs.
ALLY
Where’s Amber?
REBECCA
Out with friends.
ALLY
Well she’s missing Homeland then.
REBECCA
Unlike us a sixteen year old has more exciting things to do on a Friday night.
With Ally upstairs, Rebecca takes the plates to two TV tables in the living room. She opens a bottle of red wine and pours two glasses. She picks up the remote to turn on the TV.
CRASH! The front door is booted down as two men in black wielding knives run into the living room. One wears a ski mask and pins Rebecca to the couch while the other, ROGER (52) launches into a rehearsed speech.
ROGER
Time’s up Alan, you had your chance! Mr Morrison sends his regards.
(notices it’s not Alan) Who the fuck are you?
REBECCA
Who the fuck are you?!
ROGER
Where’s Alan?
REBECCA
Who’s Alan?
ROGER
Call him.
REBECCA
(calling out) Ally! Get down here! Now please!
An awkward pause as they wait for Ally to arrive. The masked man, Tony (24) whispers to Roger.
TONY
I didn’t know he was married.
Ally plods downstairs in just his joggers and vest.
ALLY
What’s going on?
(noticing the intruders)
(to Rebecca)
Who the fuck are they?
ROGER
Sit down.
REBECCA
These are two arseholes Ally, who have completely uninvited kicked down our door and threatened me in my own home!
ALLY
What the hell did you call me for?
REBECCA
Well do something!
ALLY
(in the position every man
dreads, tries to square
up to them)
Guys, could you fuck off? Please?
ROGER
No. Where’s Alan the Hair?
REBECCA
Alan the who?
ROGER
The Hair.
REBECCA
That’s a ridiculous nickname.
ROGER
It’s not, he’s got a lot of, shut up! Where is he?
ALLY
Evidently not fucking here.
TONY
Are you sure we’ve got the right place Roger? Alan doesn’t drive a Citron.
ROGER
Yeah, it was 158. This is 158 Parkdrive Road?
REBECCA
Yep.
TONY
Was it definitely 158?
ROGER
...I think so.
TONY
Maybe call Donny and check.
ROGER
What, now?...
Roger pulls out a pay as you go Nokia. He walks to the corner and holds it to his ear, as Tony watches.
REBECCA
Don’t you guys have guns?
ROGER
Do you know how hard it is to get a gun in this country? (down the phone)
It’s me. Listen, was it 158 Parkdrive Road for that thing? (beat)
258?! You definitely told me 158! (beat)
Well we’re not big on fucking note taking! (beat)
No, it’s just, we kinda bust in on 158. (beat)
Yeah, they’ve seen my face. (beat)
Okay. I’ll sort it.
Roger hangs up solemnly, and turns back to the room. He is blinded by a flash, coming from Rebecca’s phone. She quickly hits a couple of buttons and locks it.
ROGER (CONT’D)
What the fuck was that?! You’re dead!
(he raises his knife)
REBECCA
I just took your picture and sent it to Janine. If you kill us they’ll know exactly where to look.
TONY
Fuck you bitch!
ROGER
Wait!
(Tony stops)
She’s right. The police know me, they’d come right for me. And what the fuck are you doing, why did you let her on her phone?!
REBECCA
I’d like you to leave now.
Rebecca, Ally and Tony all start shouting at Roger and each other, Rebecca and Ally telling them to leave, but Tony still saying they should kill them. They all stop when Roger slams his fist on Rebecca’s TV table, knocking her wine over.
ROGER
Shut up.
He crosses the room and sits by the window still, as he thinks about what to do.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Outside, AMBER (16) leads LYLE (16) up the gravel driveway, arm in arm.
LYLE
Nice house.
AMBER
Thank you. Wait till you see my room.
(getting near the house)
Get down.
(they duck)
They must have guests round, that’s not our car. We’ll sneak around the back.
(she sees that Lyle is nervous)
Don’t worry, I’ve done it hundreds of times.
LYLE
Hundreds?
They start to creep past the window.
INT. DALZIEL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Roger leans against the window still, pondering what to do. There is an awkward silence. Rebecca looks at the wine spill on her white shag rug.
REBECCA
That’ll take ages to come out.
Behind Roger, the tops of Amber and Lyle’s heads bob past.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS
Amber and Lyle appear round the back garden and stand up, in the clear. Amber points up to a window on the second storey.
AMBER
That’s my room.
LYLE
How’d we get up there?
Amber smiles and runs towards the house. She begins climbing a wooden veranda underneath it, until she reaches the window, unlatches it and climbs in. She looks down at an amazed Lyle.
LYLE (CONT’D)
That was amazing!
AMBER
Coming up?
LYLE
I can’t, I’m uh, afraid of heights.
AMBER
Oh. And here I was thinking you wanted to spend time with me.
Amber smiles and disappears. Lyle reevaluates just how high the veranda is and sets off to climb.
INT. AMBER’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Amber lights a candle by the side of her bed, with Lyle’s soft grunting coming from outside. She turns as his face appears, terrified.
LYLE
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.
Amber grabs the back of his jeans and pulls him through. He collapses on the floor panting, as Amber leans over him.
AMBER
Aren’t you glad you came now?
He really is glad.
INT. DALZIEL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Roger is still thinking as the rest watch him. Rebecca’s phone buzzes in her hand.
REBECCA
That’s Janine. She’s wondering who that is.
TONY
Tell her it’s Louie Walsh.
ROGER
Shut up. So, you’re Ally, what’s your name?
REBECCA
Rebecca.
ROGER
Well Rebecca, I’m going to cou...
TONY
(to Ally) Ally, as in Mr Dalziel from History?
ALLY
Yeah?
TONY
It’s me!
(he takes off his ski mask)
ALLY
(recognising) Tony McGill! What the hell are you doing here?
TONY
Didn’t make it to uni, so’ve started working with my dad. I’m shadowing Mr Lockhart tonight while...
ROGER
Are you quite finished? Oh, and since we’re all on first name terms, it’s Roger by the way.
REBECCA
Charmed. Look, why don’t you just leave? We won’t tell the police.
ROGER
Sure you will.
REBECCA
Why don’t you tie us up then?
ROGER
And you rat on us tomorrow?
REBECCA
Well you can’t kill us, and you can’t trust us. Why don’t you make us trust you?
ROGER
What do you mean?
REBECCA
Well, if you were to offer us something...
ROGER
... Are you blackmailing us?
REBECCA
... Yes I think I am.
(to Ally) This is much more fun than Homeland!
A large, posh suburban home. The ground floor is open plan with the lobby, kitchen, living room and dining room connected.
In the kitchen looking out some plates is REBECCA (45), still with her hair and makeup done, but dressed into her relaxing wear.
Behind her the front door opens and enters ALLY (46), wearing a cheap suit and overcoat, carrying a blue polyethylene bag.
ALLY
Oh Sweet Pea, I’m home!
REBECCA
Late.
ALLY
Usual teachers' meeting. Lot of talking, lot of nodding, though Ms Gibson was wearing her short skirt.
Ally has come through to the kitchen and dropped the bag next to Rebecca. She takes out the metallic tubs and empties the contents onto the plates.
REBECCA
Why don’t you ask her out? I’m sure she loves mid life crises.
Ally heads back down the hall to the door, taking off his overcoat and heads upstairs.
ALLY
Where’s Amber?
REBECCA
Out with friends.
ALLY
Well she’s missing Homeland then.
REBECCA
Unlike us a sixteen year old has more exciting things to do on a Friday night.
With Ally upstairs, Rebecca takes the plates to two TV tables in the living room. She opens a bottle of red wine and pours two glasses. She picks up the remote to turn on the TV.
CRASH! The front door is booted down as two men in black wielding knives run into the living room. One wears a ski mask and pins Rebecca to the couch while the other, ROGER (52) launches into a rehearsed speech.
ROGER
Time’s up Alan, you had your chance! Mr Morrison sends his regards.
(notices it’s not Alan) Who the fuck are you?
REBECCA
Who the fuck are you?!
ROGER
Where’s Alan?
REBECCA
Who’s Alan?
ROGER
Call him.
REBECCA
(calling out) Ally! Get down here! Now please!
An awkward pause as they wait for Ally to arrive. The masked man, Tony (24) whispers to Roger.
TONY
I didn’t know he was married.
Ally plods downstairs in just his joggers and vest.
ALLY
What’s going on?
(noticing the intruders)
(to Rebecca)
Who the fuck are they?
ROGER
Sit down.
REBECCA
These are two arseholes Ally, who have completely uninvited kicked down our door and threatened me in my own home!
ALLY
What the hell did you call me for?
REBECCA
Well do something!
ALLY
(in the position every man
dreads, tries to square
up to them)
Guys, could you fuck off? Please?
ROGER
No. Where’s Alan the Hair?
REBECCA
Alan the who?
ROGER
The Hair.
REBECCA
That’s a ridiculous nickname.
ROGER
It’s not, he’s got a lot of, shut up! Where is he?
ALLY
Evidently not fucking here.
TONY
Are you sure we’ve got the right place Roger? Alan doesn’t drive a Citron.
ROGER
Yeah, it was 158. This is 158 Parkdrive Road?
REBECCA
Yep.
TONY
Was it definitely 158?
ROGER
...I think so.
TONY
Maybe call Donny and check.
ROGER
What, now?...
Roger pulls out a pay as you go Nokia. He walks to the corner and holds it to his ear, as Tony watches.
REBECCA
Don’t you guys have guns?
ROGER
Do you know how hard it is to get a gun in this country? (down the phone)
It’s me. Listen, was it 158 Parkdrive Road for that thing? (beat)
258?! You definitely told me 158! (beat)
Well we’re not big on fucking note taking! (beat)
No, it’s just, we kinda bust in on 158. (beat)
Yeah, they’ve seen my face. (beat)
Okay. I’ll sort it.
Roger hangs up solemnly, and turns back to the room. He is blinded by a flash, coming from Rebecca’s phone. She quickly hits a couple of buttons and locks it.
ROGER (CONT’D)
What the fuck was that?! You’re dead!
(he raises his knife)
REBECCA
I just took your picture and sent it to Janine. If you kill us they’ll know exactly where to look.
TONY
Fuck you bitch!
ROGER
Wait!
(Tony stops)
She’s right. The police know me, they’d come right for me. And what the fuck are you doing, why did you let her on her phone?!
REBECCA
I’d like you to leave now.
Rebecca, Ally and Tony all start shouting at Roger and each other, Rebecca and Ally telling them to leave, but Tony still saying they should kill them. They all stop when Roger slams his fist on Rebecca’s TV table, knocking her wine over.
ROGER
Shut up.
He crosses the room and sits by the window still, as he thinks about what to do.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Outside, AMBER (16) leads LYLE (16) up the gravel driveway, arm in arm.
LYLE
Nice house.
AMBER
Thank you. Wait till you see my room.
(getting near the house)
Get down.
(they duck)
They must have guests round, that’s not our car. We’ll sneak around the back.
(she sees that Lyle is nervous)
Don’t worry, I’ve done it hundreds of times.
LYLE
Hundreds?
They start to creep past the window.
INT. DALZIEL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Roger leans against the window still, pondering what to do. There is an awkward silence. Rebecca looks at the wine spill on her white shag rug.
REBECCA
That’ll take ages to come out.
Behind Roger, the tops of Amber and Lyle’s heads bob past.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS
Amber and Lyle appear round the back garden and stand up, in the clear. Amber points up to a window on the second storey.
AMBER
That’s my room.
LYLE
How’d we get up there?
Amber smiles and runs towards the house. She begins climbing a wooden veranda underneath it, until she reaches the window, unlatches it and climbs in. She looks down at an amazed Lyle.
LYLE (CONT’D)
That was amazing!
AMBER
Coming up?
LYLE
I can’t, I’m uh, afraid of heights.
AMBER
Oh. And here I was thinking you wanted to spend time with me.
Amber smiles and disappears. Lyle reevaluates just how high the veranda is and sets off to climb.
INT. AMBER’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Amber lights a candle by the side of her bed, with Lyle’s soft grunting coming from outside. She turns as his face appears, terrified.
LYLE
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.
Amber grabs the back of his jeans and pulls him through. He collapses on the floor panting, as Amber leans over him.
AMBER
Aren’t you glad you came now?
He really is glad.
INT. DALZIEL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Roger is still thinking as the rest watch him. Rebecca’s phone buzzes in her hand.
REBECCA
That’s Janine. She’s wondering who that is.
TONY
Tell her it’s Louie Walsh.
ROGER
Shut up. So, you’re Ally, what’s your name?
REBECCA
Rebecca.
ROGER
Well Rebecca, I’m going to cou...
TONY
(to Ally) Ally, as in Mr Dalziel from History?
ALLY
Yeah?
TONY
It’s me!
(he takes off his ski mask)
ALLY
(recognising) Tony McGill! What the hell are you doing here?
TONY
Didn’t make it to uni, so’ve started working with my dad. I’m shadowing Mr Lockhart tonight while...
ROGER
Are you quite finished? Oh, and since we’re all on first name terms, it’s Roger by the way.
REBECCA
Charmed. Look, why don’t you just leave? We won’t tell the police.
ROGER
Sure you will.
REBECCA
Why don’t you tie us up then?
ROGER
And you rat on us tomorrow?
REBECCA
Well you can’t kill us, and you can’t trust us. Why don’t you make us trust you?
ROGER
What do you mean?
REBECCA
Well, if you were to offer us something...
ROGER
... Are you blackmailing us?
REBECCA
... Yes I think I am.
(to Ally) This is much more fun than Homeland!
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